January 24, 2010

Dear Johnny,

So, here I am writing to you again because I can’t help myself. I know you probably won’t write back, but I just have to try one more time. I kind of feel like it’s 8 years ago and I’m writing you letter after letter, except that now it’s on the internet and you aren’t calling me back. Maybe I’m just being stupid, but I can’t stop thinking about you. I can’t stop wondering. Maybe this makes me a bad person, maybe it makes me crazy, but it’s happening whether I want to think about you or not.

I’ve written this letter in my head a thousand times, and I want you to know how much you meant to me, to know how I never forgot about you for a second, how every time I hear anything about Florida that my mind races to memories of you. I want you to know that I remember every moment of our time together and how I often wish to go back in time to make different choices. I want you to know that I loved you more than I thought possible and I want you to know how that love has never disappeared despite my attempts to rid myself of those feelings. I’m not sure I will ever get over you even though I’ve tried every day since the moment I stepped on that bus and out of your life.

I probably shouldn’t be telling you all of this. My heart aches a little (ok a lot) when I think about never talking to you again. So, I guess I’m writing to see if you will write back, to see if you will tell me why you can’t talk to me this time, to tell you how I feel just in case I never get another chance.

I hope this letter doesn’t make things worse, doesn’t make you really hate me. I hope that it changes something inside of you and that you understand how much I care about you even after 8 years and 3000 miles and all of the things in between. I want to know about your life and how things have changed for you. I can’t help this need I have to talk to you even though I wish I could wish it away. I just want to hear your voice again.
I hope you read this. I hope you write back. I miss you more than all of these words, and all of the words I know, can say.

Always,
E

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