Hello fellow bloggers,
This is the first real letter I wrote to him after a 10 year hiatus. Don’t know why I’m sharing it except that I feel like it actually says what I wanted it to say and feels the way I wanted it to feel. I wish that my words had some sort of impact on him. I know that my words are my heart, my soul ,in black and white letters scribed on a page. I wish he knew that he holds pieces of my heart every time he reads one of my letters. I wonder if he even reads them anymore, the ones he’s kept. And I wonder why he keeps them if I no longer matter to him. Anyway, here it is.
I’m attempting to write you that “real” letter I told you about, but every time I try, I end up sounding ridiculous and my frozen mind ends up manifesting into a frozen pen in my frozen hand. Writing a real letter seems so much more connected than electronic writing. My hands choose the pen, the notebook, and my thoughts flow across the page in handwriting just for you. And you read those words that had so recently been cradled in my hands. It’s like you have a little piece of me, a piece that gets to be there with you as you read.
I think it’s important to tell people how you feel when there is still time. They say to not put things off because you never know what will happen tomorrow. That’s why I tried to write to you online. So many years went by without a chance to tell you how much you affected me, so I needed to tell you before it was too late. But I know how intense I can get…and scary. Sometimes we don’t realize the impact we make on others’ lives. As a teacher last year, my kids told me how important I was to them. It’s an amazing feeling to know that you are important to another person. Everyone should get a chance to feel that way. I wonder if you have ever felt that way…like you helped change someone, that they wouldn’t be the same without you.
The thing is, I want you to know that I wouldn’t be the same without you. When I came to Florida, I was broken, shattered, but your kindness, your love, helped to stitch those pieces back together. You and your family made me feel welcome and wanted, a feeling that I hadn’t had…ever. I came to Florida looking for a friend and you showed me what it felt like to be in a family. You helped me when no one else wanted me. You made me feel special and beautiful and worthy, finally. I don’t know what would have become of me if I hadn’t gone because being with you gave me strength.
You probably had no idea how much those 2 weeks meant to me. I remember that the first time I told you I loved you, I told you not to say it back, that hearing you say it wasn’t why I told you. That’s still true. I never said anything because I wanted to hear it back. I say these things to you because I need to. I need you to know why you matter to me even if I never really mattered to you. I also say these things because I want you to know that I will always be here for you.
I think people sometimes feel lost in this crazy world. We make mistakes and feel unsure. We hurt and can’t find healing. If you ever need anything, I am here to talk to. I miss our friendship. We used to be friends, and friends listen even when things are bad or scary. I hate thinking that you may be struggling or hurting because I always imagine you happy, laughing, playing jokes. Please know I expect nothing from you, but I want so much to hear about your life. I don’t know how you feel about me but always know that nothing you do could ever make me stop caring about you. Know that you are important, that you matter, that you are loved. Know that you were the light in my darkest moments, and that I would not have been the same without you.