Poems and Heartbreak

 

Photo Credit: utexas.edu

Photo Credit: utexas.edu

 

Dear Johnny,

I used to write poetry all the time when I was a child, but I put it down so I could write stories.  When I got to college, I tucked the stories in a drawer and dove, head first, into essays, explications, and dissertations.  I remember taking a class that was supposed to help me learn how to teach writing.  Admittedly, I was excited because I knew that I loved to write, but I had no clue as how to teach it.

Unfortunately, part of the class was to write in the different modes, including imaginative and narrative.  When the teacher assigned an imaginary story for the first assignment, my heart hit the floor.  I hadn’t written a story in ten years, and I broke down.  I am an A student–not just an A student–I am one of those “can’t fail” type of people, and I knew this task would be what would plummet me into failure.

The part where good teaching comes in–my teacher told me to just write, write about not knowing what to write, write about how I hated writing stories; it didn’t matter, but I needed to just write.  Thank god for that teacher! I wrote an amazing story that my whole class thought was real, which gave me the boost I needed.

You’re probably wondering why I’m telling you all of this (don’t you want to read anything besides my naked desire on the page? I thought so!).  Well, with this blog, I’ve started writing poetry again.  I’m not sure why because my original plan was to write you a letter a day until I washed (or wrote) you out of my heart.  So far, that’s not really working, but the poetry bug has me in its grasp and I can’t stop writing.

The funny thing is that I don’t even know if they are any good as far as poetry standards go.  I can tell students all day which famous poems are beautiful and heartbreaking and why, but I have no idea if my poems even make sense or the kind of sense they are meant to have.  But that isn’t the point, right? For them to be good? The point is that writing letters to you about how I feel has given me a new outlet (or old outlet, depending on how you look at it) to express myself.

So, despite the fact that each poem breaks my heart in a different way, I’m so glad to have found something I feel good at.  I go back and read some of my posts, and think, “Wow, that’s pretty good! I wonder if you’d think it was good.”  I’m glad to have that bit of confidence back in my heart because it always feels so torn.  Maybe one day I will bind these poems into a book and send it to you like I gift wrapped my love for you so many years ago.  Maybe reading these poems, that may or may not be worth reading, might show you how much you mean to me and how I cannot live without you.

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