I Knew This Man Once…

 

Photo Credit: deviantart.com

Photo Credit: deviantart.com

I knew this man once

who had a strange

hold over me.

I was young,

so young,

and he was a giant

in my eyes.

I pretended friendship

was enough

until it wasn’t.

I professed my

undying loyalty,

love,

longing

for him

in a sticky booth

at the back of a

Denny’s restaurant.

I remember the blank

look in his eyes

as I told him how

all I desired was

the feel of his fingers

mixing with mine,

his strong arms

wrapping me

in his musky scent.

He was the only man

who had every made me

feel small,

in stature

as well as in person.

He left that restaurant

to crush my hopes

in between the naked

skin of his torso and

that of my best friend.

Later, I demeaned myself

for him,

begged for him,

devalued my identity

for only a small token,

which he never gave.

I wrote to him,

once,

and told him how he helped

to ruin me,

to desecrate me at my

most vulnerable moments,

in hopes that he might

recognize his handiwork.

I expected no apology,

but I needed him to know

what he had created.

He scoffed in my face,

laughed at my true feelings

bleeding all over that page.

I remember him saying once

that the truth was the only

thing that mattered,

but

he also taught me that

telling the truth costs

everything,

that even doing something

for you

means risking

more of yourself,

losing more.

So, I write this

secret blog

with these murmured words

because I can’t actually say

to you what I need to say.

It’s funny

that one love can affect

so deeply

how one reacts to another.

I have stacks of journals

and pages of posts

dedicated to how I cannot

contain my love for you,

but the words you’ve actually

seen are microscopic

and minute.

I wish I could bind

these poems up

into a little book

and send it to you.

But, just as with him,

I worry that you

will see these lines

as ludicrous lies unworthy

of me,

of you.

Lines

that betray my aching

desire,

that perhaps you

will deem me a stalker

or a loon,

a crazy lady

or worse–

you will see me as

nothing.

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2 thoughts on “I Knew This Man Once…

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