I have problems letting go.
This whole blog
is about holding on
yet I chose a job
where I have to say goodbye
every year.
It’s miserable
to watch people leave,
go off and explore life
without me.
I miss every person
I’ve ever lost.
My parents and siblings
and aunts and cousins
and people
who wandered in for a bit
and then disappeared
without a trace.
I miss Jenny
who loved singing and sex
and who married an Alaskan
and had his children.
And Jessica
who’s sweet smile
could absorb every molecule
in a room.
These people
who drift into my dreams,
these kids who I saw grow.
Bryzen and his tough exterior
who opened up on stage
and Duke who just needed someone
to see his goodness
so he could stop being bad.
Or Penny with her amazing words
and beautifully aching poetry.
Levi and his bride
and Tanner’s innocence
in all things outside
of his tiny town.
I miss them
like they were a part of me
and I miss you too.
I wonder what they are doing
and if they have found
their happiness,
their dreams.
I wonder if you
have found yours.
Do you play music
so others can see
your quick fingers
make magic with a guitar?
Do your hands
and her hands
in a dazzling tornado
of hot sparks?
Because if they do,
I will be happy
because I couldn’t imagine
all of those missed people
hiding in the black holes
life creates.
I want them to smile
at the world
and believe it’s right.
I want your world
to shine and send fireworks
into July skies
and you next to
the one you love.
I want to be there.
That’s where I belong
but this missing is all I have
since I can’t have you,
since all those people I miss
have forgotten me
like you’ve forgotten me.


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