How do people change their lives? I’ve always wanted to but I’m just so fucking scared. I have these ambitions or wants or desires or whatever that eat at me but I can’t make a step to change them. There’s something wrong with my brain or heart or god knows what but no matter what advice I hear or articles I read or poems I write, I am molasses or mud or oil or something that sticks and forgets to move. I am angry and wanting and all I do is sit here. Isn’t knowing about the problem supposed to be half the battle? Well I know I’m a fucking lunatic control-freak who can’t give up on what I have because I’m unsure what the future holds. I’m a petrified log, a mummified body, a fossilized bone–dead, buried, forgotten. And terrified. Don’t tell me I can do it or that it just takes one step because I know this all too well. I know my disease but the cure is decades from discovery. I will wither away into ashes before courage knocks on my door.