I’m a mess and have no title

Why is it so difficult
to be selfish,
to choose want
instead of responsibility?

Why do I have to care
what will happen to others
if I do what I want,
what I need to do?

Even saying those words
spreads guilt
through my bones,
and I wonder
what it means
to be really happy.
To have what you want
and need
and to be content,
to be joyful
because of it.

How does one
stop from wanting,
start to relish
what one has
instead of imagining
what it’d be like
to have what one needs?

And I’m not talking
about little things.
I’m talking about
love and truth
and happiness and beauty
and freedom and hope.

How do I force myself to love someone back like I should?

How am I supposed to feel free
while I wear these chains?

How can I begin to hope
when I can’t even
be honest with myself
because I know that
truth only brings pain
to the ones I love?

Risk means potential explosions
and I’m not selfish enough
to destroy just
so I can finally be happy.

~Patience

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