Just…

Photo Credit: celil at deviantart.com

I always want to go back,
to find that tunnel
to the past
where I can redo
what I said and did,
relive those moments
that made me,

and it’s a sick sense of nostalgia,
a longing for minutes
where I could have chosen
differently,
changed today
because of yesterday.

It’s been a week,
and I miss his voice,
his attention,
his desire to be
inside me and my head.

It’s been three years,
or fourteen if I’m being honest,
since you were with me
in any sense of being with someone.

It’s been a month and a half
since my dad left,
and I’m still not sure
how to grieve
except to distract myself
and my distractions have gone.
They no longer find me interesting.
They no longer care
what happens in my brain.

And I’m tortured,
still,
by what could have gone differently,
by what could be now
if I had just…

~ Patience

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