To those who listen:
It’s not the same anymore. I’m not excited in all the ways that matter. I’ve tried to be, to find ways to make me want to, to make me interested, but it’s like before. My body rejects people. Physically rejects them. When the heat is gone, the thing, whatever it might be called, when it’s gone, my body screams at me. My skin throws up walls. It’s like I’m numb. To everything. Every touch, every feeling. Blank. Cold. Empty.
How do I change this? How do I become sensitive, yielding, giving again? How do I become human again?
This is one reason I need therapy. I sometimes feel like I’m coming apart, like I keep losing pieces of myself along the way, and I can’t hold onto them all. They tumble from my hands, and I am less.
I’m going tomorrow. I’m scared. Nervous. In so much internal pain that I can barely breathe. I hide my tears because he wouldn’t understand anyway. That’s the price of choosing someone who has never understood me, not even at the beginning. He doesn’t own enough words to counter my own, so my silence fills the space instead.
And I am a box about to explode.
I wonder if it’s too late, if this new person I keep feeling is more me than me. I think I’m crazy. Or going crazy. I hope the therapy helps. Because, for fuck’s sake, I can’t take this much longer.