Fundamental

I’ve lost something.

Something important,
fundamental even,
but I’m not sure what
it is or was.

I just know it’s gone.

I thought it was
you or
him or
maybe someone else all together,

but it’s not him
and I’ll never know if it’s you,
so maybe it’s not a person
so much as a piece of me,
of my person,

but I’m sad now,
and I can’t figure out why.

I want to run,
to burn it all down
and flee,
disappear
like I’m dead,
buried,
a figment who can start again,
forgetting all
the fuck ups and failures.

Scorched earth.

That’s what I want,
but I’m too much of a planner.

I’m broken and obsessed
with finding the right order
for my shards,
but no one knows what that is.

Especially me.

~Patience

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